Thursday, August 13, 2009

Canada is Trying to Kill Us

Beware Our Neighbors to the North
For years I have been warning people about our northern neighbors and no one would listen to me. When I tell people my theory, they make statements like “crackpot”, “nutjob” and “sir, your holding up the line, do you want fries with your Happy Meal or not?” Nevertheless, I will get my message out. The Canadians are trying to kill us.

Now I don’t know anything about the Canadian healthcare system or “facts” but from what I’ve heard at town hall meetings and random strangers, it involves a series of death panels that kill senior citizens. Neither have I.  Even a discussion of healthcare reform causes you to go deaf and develop Tourettes. At most town hall meetings, I have observed participants inexplicably shouting random incoherent things at each other.

In 2006, per-capita spending for health care in the U.S. was $6,714. In Canada, it was $3,678 That’s US Dollars. The U.S. spent 15.3% of GDP on health care in that year; Canada spent 10.0% Despite this fact, Canadians are living longer than Americans. Their infant mortality rate is lower. So why does the United States remain the only wealthy industrialized nation without universal healthcare?
To that I say, mind your business Canada and quit stealing all of our good hockey jobs. The real reason Canadians are living longer is simple.
  1. Canada is colder. Its simply preservation. (Ever notice meet lasts longer in the fridge. Of course someone in frigid Canada will keep longer than someone in humid Florida.)
  2. The Canadians keep sending us all their crappy music and keep the good stuff. Take Canadian Celine Dion for example. Studies indicate Americans shave approximately five minutes off their life every time they listen to the love theme from Titanic.
  3. Heart disease is the number one killer of Americans. Americans love Egg McMuffins. Egg McMuffins have Canadian bacon. Do the math.
The Manchurian Canadian Candidate
Now this may come off a bit crazy, but I think the Birther movement may have been on to something regarding claims that Obama is not being a natural born citizen. There only mistake was thinking President Obama was born in Kenya. I think Obama is actually French Canadian. It appears he may have been born in Quebec. He is way too polite to be an American. And Barack sounds like a Frenchy name. “Le Barack Obama ”. He complained many were "we wee'd" up It makes perfect sense.

Let’s use common sense. Hawaiian and Canadian officials could have easily been paid off to go along with the story. You would just need loads of cash for the bribes. You know, Gordon Lightfoot kind of money. And (surprise, surprise) guess where Gordon was born….Yup, you guessed it. Canada. And what about those phoney baloney newspaper announcements regarding Obama’s purported “Hawaiian Birth?” You would have to have some sort of time machine to go back to the 1960s, right?. Is it a coincidence that Canadian born Michael J Fox has access to a DeLorean Time machine? I think not. The truth is out there people. You just need to find it. The Canadians are out to get us.

1 comment:

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