Friday, December 17, 2010

Auto Companies to Add Baseball Cards to the Spokes of Your Prius

If you own an electric car or hybrid, you are no doubt aware of how quietly they run. As you can imagine, this poses a tremendous threat to children, blind pedestrians, and people who like to drag race while spontaneously breaking out into the song "Greased Lightning." After years of such complaints, the auto industry is finally looking into adding artificial sounds to give a louder stamp to hushed electric cars.

Of course, adding artificial sounds to an environmentally friendly vehicle is not a new concept. In fact, I developed such a system in the early 80s. As such, I am exploring my legal options. (My patent pending design involves placing baseball cards into the spokes of any common bicycle. The resulting motorcycle sound will warn pedestrians that trouble is coming. For maximum sound, I suggest any Gary Carter Tops card from his years on the Expos.)

Apparently, Nissan plans to adopt my brilliance. Their Leaf model may include high pitched space sounds. The Fisker Karma may include jet engine sounds while the Volkswagen E-Up! will have the sounds of a gas engine. If they put in the screeching sounds of a Star Wars Tie Fighter, the Prius will be efficiently toughened up enough for me to consider buying one.

Supporters believe that the new sounds will considerably cut down on accidents.  Which brings me to my point.  This is an outrage.  That means less auto accident claims.  I encourage my personal injury bretheren to stand up and fight this injustice.  (Kidding of course, what kind of a jerk do you think I am.) 

Should the car companies follow through with these plans, I sincerely hope that they stick to car sounds.  It's bad enough you can set your own ringtone.  Nothing irks me more than a cell phone going off in court to the sounds of the Macarena or the latest Eminem song.  Can you imagine a world with cars that you can pre-set the sound to?

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