On Other Lawyers

(On lawyers who exaggerate how important they are) "He wasn't a shark. He was a puffer fish with an inferiority complex" 

"Of course, contrary to popular opinion, a world without lawyers is a little less sunny". 

"If you look like a pirate, the jury is going to think you're a pirate". 

  • "We try to adhere to high standards of professionalism, civility and class. Of course, I am sure there are a few lawyers you think deserve a nice wing tipped kick in the res ipsa loquitur." 

  • "He thought I sold my soul to the devil, which is ridiculous.  Everyone knows lawyers don't have souls." 

  • (On Lawyers who have ponytails) Leave the ponytail to Steven Seagal, 12 year old girls and ponies. 

  • (Referring to a recently disbarred attorney) Personally, I am shocked and appalled that a member of the bar would exchange legal work for sex. With a client base that includes the elderly and some burly construction workers, our firm tends to frown on this practice. 

  • (Referring to a Lawyer Arrested for Bank Robbery) "I wonder if it was the briefcase or the tasseled shoes that gave him away." 

  • (Referring to a Law Firm's Promotional Items) I always wonder when you take that fork in the road. You start off law school with dreams of arguing before the supreme court. Somewhere along the way, you're handing out St. Patty's Day tshirts to drunks with your law firm's phone number. 

  • (Referring to budgeting decisions) Screw the kid's piano lessons, you want an iPhone. Let's be honest, your sausage fingered kid is no Beethoven. 

  • The Constitution guarantees your right to be a jackass. Just don't yell fire in the movies. 
On Lawyers who run for Political Office
  • With our penchant for perfectly coiffed hair and whitened teeth, it is no wonder many attorneys would want to dip their wingtips into the political pool. 
  • Election advice from my 7 year old nephew "maybe next time don't put your face on the signs."

                       On Law Firm Advertising

(Referring to a Law firm that used a celebrity in their advertisements) My firm couldn't attract that kind of star power. The best we could do is a cutout of actor Erik Estrada. I like to place it behind the receptionist desk holding a balloon with our logo on it. 

Maybe you don't want to tarnish your firm's reputation with a late night tv spot followed by the steel drums of a Girls Gone Wild infomercial. 

  • (Referring to an attorney with a mobile law office school bus) "Apparently, you can fit more injured clients into a bus than you can a BMW". 

  • Is it really OK to say you have 75 years of combined experience when that "experience" is your 5 years coupled with the 70 years of your semi-retired, half dead, of-counsel partner who keeps calling you "Billy " The guy hasn't seen the inside of courtroom since the Carter administration. 

On Law Firm Layoffs

No one likes to see a colleague fired, unless its the guy who keeps taking your stapler and feels the constant need to tell you how he voted in American Idol. 

  On Law School

"Jackass law students often turn into jackass lawyers". 

(On Law School Applicant Rejections) "Did they even read your essay on the summer you taught archery to those poor underprivileged blind kids?" 

"Your friends will no doubt wonder why you can't go out drinking, or cow tipping or whatever the devil it is you kids do these days with your crazy rock n roll music, sugary cereals and your i-phones" 

  • "You may see more focus placed on practical skills rather than classes on the socio economic forces placed on 16th century Peruvian goat herders and the resulting legal ramifications." 

  • "I just finished law school and passed the grueling bar exam. When do I get my BMW?" 

  • Your "childlike enjoyment of life" usually dies around the time you learn about the rule of perpetuities. 

  • "Often you may feel you are the dumbest in class. You are not. Well, technically one of you has to be the dumbest. Maybe it is you. But, chances are it's not you".
On History

  • If you are not familiar with World War II, it was the one featured in the Captain America movie.

On Other Legal Blogs 

(Referring to a well known legal blog's decision to set up dates for it's readers and then writing about all the "juicy" details)  It's like watching DeNiro in Meet the Fockers, you wanna shake him and remind him that he was in Raging Bull.